In Beauty May I Walk

a prayer for the past

2011-02-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

thinking about...recapitulation....& reading little snippets from The 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse.

Recap: I seem to be intentionally setting out on a great big consciousness cleansing adventure.

Cleaning consciousness of past experiences, thoughts that no longer serve, and the feelings that paralyse...fear, grief, anger, self-pity

......so that, there is s p a c e for new realms of awareness, LETTING GO.....making space to let the LOVE IN.....clear away the cobwebs and open up the doors and windows to the souls passion....

today, a prayer for the past:

let all those who guide me support me in peeling away

whatever it is that keeps me blind to what is possible,

that keeps me hidden from my greatness,

that keeps me separate from my loved ones,

today i ask you to lighten my heart, to lift my burdens,

my worries, my fears, my anxieties, my grief,

so that i may know and cherish all that i am,

i see it, i feel it, i acknowledge it right now

and so i know that it is

(taken from The 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse by Debbie Ford)

messages in dreaming

2011-02-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

Last night, before i drifted off into dreams, i placed my hand over my womb-space and wondered what messages might be received.

I had an interesting night of dreams.

The first dream was pretty disturbing. I had travelled to a place where the people had given up their freedom to an oppressive regime. They were all somehow chained and being poisoned. I wanted to get out of that place and far away...it was particular disturbing that this had happened because nobody had the courage to stand up for what they believed in...perhaps they didn't even know, they just let things happen.....I woke up at dawn filled with a sense of fear and horror. My heart was pounding and i felt strangely displaced. As the first light came in through the curtains, the seagulls were greeting the day with their chaotic squawking. My cat came over and snuggled under the covers with me. How did he know?

I felt back to sleep and found myself in a house that was pure delight. I was living with others, my sister and her ex partner (who left the physical realm some time ago)...he had made the most exquisite raw food banquet, full of fresh bright ingredients....big beautiful bowls of goodness. People were coming over for a talk he was giving, and then a meal. The house was full of flowers, some cut, and some growing in pots. Most of them were pink. The energy in the house was so agreeable, so perfectly to my liking. It was all unfamiliar but i felt totally at home, as if this house was a part of me, all the best parts. There was so much beauty, harmony there, that i wanted to get my camera and photograph it all. (I often dream of my camera, i wonder why?). The dream house eventually changed, became more empty and less friendly, and i was overcome by a severe, physical feeling of nausea. I woke up feeling like i was going to be sick, violently sick....i haven't felt that nauseous in a long time.

I don't know exactly what these dreams mean. But that is life somehow. It is beautiful, it is ugly, it pleases and disgusts. Sometimes i want to capture and share every moment, and sometimes i just want to run away, far, far away.

Perhaps there aren't really any definitive answers. It's simply a process of experience and self-discovery?.....and that encompasses all of experience....

perhaps

when i tune in, i feel that the message was to do with creation. That i have the power to choose, and the power to create. Freedom is a choice (that takes a certain amount of energy and courage to choose), and creating beauty is a choice....

choices

2011-02-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

It seems i only update this blog when my body gives me a clear message to stop everything and rest! So here i am, doing a bit of spring cleaning (manifested as sore throat and snot, lovely), resting....
I notice how i hold the intention to stop and rest quite a lot, but don't actually get round to it, because life is so full of distractions. Little jobs to do. The endless clearing up, washing up, daily routines, bellies to feed.....it's no excuse really, is it?

I've been feeling frustration at not getting on with my 'work' (ie. those activities that are in alignment with my purpose here on earth) and this has been gnawing away at my vitality. Frustration because i know it can't be that hard to make the space....and somehow i just don't.

I just started reading 'The Teachings of Don Carlos: Practical Applications of the works of Carlos Castaneda.' I'm finding some of the language difficult to understand, but i picked up the book yesterday just as i was pondering my frustrations and it opened to exactly the right section i needed to read....

"the level of energy of all beings depends on three fundamental factors: the amount of energy with which they were conceived, the manner in which the enegy has been utilised since birth, and the way in which it is used at the present time.........we know that people possess varying amounts of energy. We also know that as average persons, all of our energy is consumed by the routines of everyday life. All of it! If we could somehow have more energy than we use, or simply use less than our normal amount, we would obtain than an amount of 'free' or 'available' energy. This energy could properly be called personal power- or that which is needed to perform actions outside personal history, including the gathering of energy of energy directly from the Sun or the Earth, to live a freer life"

So, the simple method for obtaining 'free' energy is to save the energy we already have by not spending it on the routines of daily life.

"If we suspend some of our internal or external repetitive actions, the energy thus liberated becomes available energy, which we can use to enter into the unknown-that which lies outside of the dictates of personal history'

I interpreted this to mean, that which lies outside of our conditioning. In order to free ourselves from our conditioning, we must become warriors, taking inventory of energy expenditures, and increasing the energy available to us by saving energy....changing our habitual ways of being and venturing into unknown territory.

So, the first thing is to become aware of the way we spend our energy, and then we can plan a strategy for redirecting the use of our energy. Some activities are of course necessary and indispensable.....but there are many little habits that are wasteful or energy and destructive (anti-energetic).

It takes a certain amount of energy to be able to save energy in the first place. It is sometimes difficult to stop certain habits because we lack what Sanchez calls the 'minimum space of personal freedom.'

So whilst we may not be able to immediately quite habits such as smoking, anger of self-pity, we can make other small changes which can help us to begin saving energy.

Habits come in different forms: they can be nutritional, emotional, psychological or spiritual. My personal constitution is very earthy and i have found it easiest to work with changing my nutritional habits and diet. I gave up eating meat at 16, caffeine before i turned 20, bread, sugar and dairy at 25......I can vouch for the transformative power of changing these habits. In the first couple of years of eating raw food, i liberated enough energy and made enough space to invite considerably more freedom and radical change into my life.

Far more challenging for me, is changing emotional and psychological habits and patterns. Perhaps it takes a certain amount of energy to become aware of them in the first place, and i should be grateful for that growing awareness, painful as it can be at times.

I have noticed a little voice in my head, that is never happy with the way things are. When i'm sad, it tells me i should be doing better than i am, and when i'm happy, it's there, quietly putting me down, whispering 'who do you think you are, to be so happy'.....The Superego, apparently. The one that doesn't actually want me to be the fullest me i can be. It's the voice that tries to keep me small and safe.

Well, i've just about had enough of being small and safe. Goddess give me the courage to stand up and roar. The awareness and strength to notice that voice and tell it to f* off.....

That process begins with taking stock of all the ways my energy is currently tied up, not just in physical routines, but internal dialogue and emotional habits, and then making changes.

The book recommends taking inventory and writing down every 15 minutes what you are thinking, doing, and whether this is what you want to be doing. I don't think i can manage that right now, but certainly, things that will help me to become more observant and aware are regular journalling, and small sustainable changes in my regular habits.

Essentially, i am here to create....actually, i believe that is what we are all here to do. But in order to create.....we need energy.....and freedom.

My partner has long been involved in the process of recapitulation, which is a process based on the premise that throughout life, we leave shreds of our energy tied to past moments, places, people and situations, and also that other people leave part of their energy in us. .......Consider this "they have left their mark on us, and by this they can disrupt our time and space regardless of whether they are present or not, alive or dead. Because of this, many times i ma not myself. I am someone else- my mother, my father, my kindergarten teacher, my best friend from long ago, an old love, or someone else."

Admittedly, i've been resistant to the idea of going through the whole of my past in this way, mostly because i have such a terrible memory for details of past events (i couldn't tell you what happened last week, well, it would probably strain the brain cells quite a bit!) and i just couldn't see the point! :)
But i'm willing to give it a go, now that i understand it better, and also because i am coming to it on my own terms (i never did like being told what i should be doing!)

I think this marks the start of a whole new phase (gulp)...and i will come back and blog more about recapitulation later....

listening to the hear of now

2011-01-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. So let me start with now.
a rainy day, living in a rain cloud, listening to sounds gently.
my list of things to do, being done, slowly.

Learning to listen to my own needs, and fulfil them.
So often on this journey i have tried to squeeze myself into a shape i do not fit
i have ignored my body's signals, trying to get somewhere else
some better place than here and now

When i ask myself, what form of nourishment do i need now,
it might look like silence, or stillness
a walk in the park,
time alone,
space, touch, yoga, stretch
a long deep bath,
deep breathing
time with friends
speaking truth
or a warm embrace

Still learning, the art of listening

Listening to my hunger,
feeding body, mind and soul
according to deep and genuine needs

Sometimes the last few months seem to have slipped into nothing
easy to forget all the ups and downs, victories and struggles
that shape the now of here

I continue to explore my breath
the bridge between body and spirit
and discovering all my resistances in the process!
.....and embracing all my resistance

Relationships continue to bring great opportunities to love, and learn about myself
in relationship, all my primal wounds are triggered
great! so this is where i just breathe.....
and through the breath the trauma is resolved, released, let go

Deep winter has provided an interesting container to journey within
i've really embraced it this year
but still the cold darkness penetrates
and the urge to escape is strong! :)
great!....so this is where i just breathe

and that's all i have
and everything i keep coming back to

simple, really

Quiet

2010-08-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

I've not been very well lately. I think life just got too full and i didn't even notice.

Illness is a great teacher. It shines a light on all the places within the whole that have been/ are being neglected. In this process, this painful, uncomfortable process, i am learning so much about myself, and am grateful for the opportunity to see things more deeply, with greater clarity.

I just came across this book...i have to order it! It's called "Unravelling: Letting Go, Getting Well" by Philip Greenfield. Exquisite wisdom. Here's a peek:

I believe that there is a benign force at work in this Universe, which acts to push out the poison from our bodies, and from our lives. Its directions are always true, it is endowed with perfect timing, and it cares not whether we know it, name it or heed its voice.

We may call it Trouble when we see its ways revealed to us during crisis or illness, or come to know it as Friend as we begin to let go, daring ourselves to lean ever more deeply into its trustworthy and enduring companionship.

I call it UNRAVELLING, and it has but one simple message. It whispers...
" Just go with it ".

I know i need to cultivate more quiet, more stillness in my daily life. My movement and meditation practice is non existent at the moment.

I love the way my body never works against me. There is great intelligence available in every moment if only i take time and create the space to listen.

i love this:

learn

to sit still and

wait

til your dust settles down

and

the air around you

becomes clear.

Wait

til you are quiet and

see.

Only then

begin

It comes from a Holistic Bodywork Healing flyer i picked up. It's so important not just when engaging in healing work with another, but in everything we do. How i would love to begin every day this way. Imagine living every moment from this place...

A meditation practice is calling me....like a friend on the distant horizon...beckoning me to a place of deep restful knowing...

uh huh...hhhmmmh

2010-08-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

It’s rigged — everything, in your favor.
So there is nothing to worry about.

Is there some position you want,
some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover,
maybe two, maybe three, maybe four — all at once,

maybe a relationship
with
God?

I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it
the wonderment of the earth’s gifts
you will lay aside
as naturally as does
a child a
doll.

But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal:
comfort, fulfill yourself,
in any way possible — do that until
you ache, until you ache,

then come to me
again.

~Rumi

thankyou Kamala Devi (www.uninhibitedbliss.blogspot.com)

bless

2010-08-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

he started to fade away in the last couple of days, the beautiful little stripy kitten, the one who mesmerised us with his sweet little face and melted our hearts with his gentle nature. I got him to the vets when i realised he had stopped growing and thriving, and they treated the fleas, but he was too small, already too anemic, too sensitive for the harsh chemicals they sprayed him with, and the antibiotics they pumped him full off...
i knew he would die today, though i carried on praying for a miracle. life slipped out of his little body by the hour, i tried to feed him, to get him to nurse, but he was already on his way home....i was already too late
he died in my arms, after a few heart-wrenching little meows....
My tender heart aches, and the tears melt down my cheeks, all is quiet, just the sounds of a sunday happening far away.
i'm grateful for the crumbs and dust all over the kitchen floor, and the pile of laundry that needs to be folded and put away. as i sweep and fold, i feel held in the rhythm of this life, i feel the sacred in the mundane. life continues to birth itself, and what is born must enter the cycle and in perfect timing die...
another lesson in attachment, in softening and letting go,
thankyou little one for opening my heart, bless you on your journey home
x

think big feel joy walk tall talk truth

2010-08-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

this is such a cosy private corner of cyber-space, yet also open to anyone, anywhere....
i think i write this more for myself. And to be honest, deep down i'm terrified of being *seen*.....
so it kinda suits me to hide away here.
Life is a bit like that right now. Tucked away in domestic bliss, settling into a new home, planting seeds in the garden, playing with kittens. All loveliness!
Yet, part of me wants to be in the world and share my gifts...(what are my gifts?....how can i share them?...)
I'm feeling strangely paralysed by a paradoxical sense of too much choice and too little opportunity.
I can't help thinking BIG, and at the same time feeling helpless and lacking the confidence to follow through.
Financial pressures are making me question the choices i have made, has it been worth it? Do i ditch my bigger vision for a comfy job that brings a little financial security and dare i say it, abundance?
I've recently found myself caught in uncomfortable loops of negative, pessimistic thoughts which leave me feeling agitated and motivated to act out of fear. Thankfully, i have enough awareness to realise what is happening and pull the plug before i go and do something silly...
There is no more running, no more hiding,
from now....i am walking in the world with purpose
on purpose
i AM channelling my energy into a juicy project with heart and vision and purpose
Did ya hear me universe?
i'm ready
did i say it loud enough?
I'M READY!
thankyou!

Spiral

2010-06-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

I've just read the whole of this blog, and it always fascinates when i do this! Some parts i seem to have completely forgotten, but then it all seems so familiar, and in a way nothing really changes...

I'm still the same, inside.

I see my struggles, my journey, my quest to understand and put all of life into perspective, bring it all

under my control....funny me!....

So it's still the same, i am the same....yet somehow more relaxed....

less concerned about making things happen in my life....

It happens anyway.

I get the feeling that i am being looked after, and feel grateful for that.

....and when shit happens it feels awful for a while but i'm pretty resourceful now, and better able to shake it off and move on without drowning in it.

I can tell you, i have had a fair amount of shit happen in the last year or so....i was pleased when 2009 wrapped itself up....but it didn't end there!.....oh no.

does it ever end?

I love what Neeta writes about the way it can seem that life goes around in circles...

yet we don't really end up where we began, because it's more of a spiral.....

So here i am, perched on the outermost ring of this beautiful life spiral i am spinning, looking into the centre, at the seed of who i am, enjoying the journey of blossoming...

and as the spiral widens, i am more selective about where i place my attention.

It may seem like i am going around in circles, but to me, everything looks completely different!

.......and you know, i'm really, really happy....

What is real happiness? Well....for me, it has absolutely nothing to do with the circumstances i find myself in. It has everything to do with the way i choose to connect with my inner resources. And that, to me, is a priceless realisation.
(p.s. i do apologise for changing the design of this blog again! I just couldn't resist it. Do you like it?)

deep breathing oceanic bliss

2010-06-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

aaaaahh i've been blessed to be spending a good portion of my days in the water....when i swim...you don't see me much on the surface...like a little fish i play with my body and my breath...something about being surrounded by and suspended in water quietens the busy mind....
i've been playing with healing sonic frequencies from biotune.net ....wow!...i highly recommend these sonic products (msg me if you would like the discount code to get 20% off biotune products)...the first 40 mins with Sonic 1 of the foundation series saw me slipping effortlessly into a long, easy, extended breath..the exhale took me down into a timeless pause....and the inhale came from far away...from the space itself...beyond bliss....just the pure embodied connected awareness!
This reminded me of something i discovered/awakened to in Mexico when i was 20yrs old. We stayed for a while in a rustic camp on the edge of the jungle in Palenque...sleeping in hammocks...playing in a freshwater pond....so naive...so innocent...no agenda but play...nothing to 'get'....nothing to do...nowhere to go...
So i remember playing in the water.....exhaling & sinking to the bottom, suspended in liquid green space...after 5 weeks of spontaneous travel through Belize, Guatemala, Honduras and Mexico, jungle experiences, new faces & places, new vistas....time was becoming irrelevant...i was entering a new dimension...
I was frog....
frog breathing jungle green creature
I have no idea how long i spent in the water that afternoon...but i transcended time.... entered the timeless space at the end of the exhale.....would drift up slowly, effortlessly, no sense of urgency, no sense of gasping for air...breathe in....and sink again..
Something happened to me after this day, everything seemed different...in a beautiful way (though i never really connected it to this experience)! I lived in effortless ease and flow for about a week...negotiating travel to Mexico City and flying back to the UK...waking every morning feeling completely electric and wildly alive. I knew it wouldn't, couldn't last....i wasn't ready for it then....but the memory lives in my cells....
12 years later, i find myself wondering how i can find this ease and flow in my life...now that i have the responsibilites of parenthood and adult life upon me....is it something that happens randomly and by chance in life when i am least expecting it and not looking for it? ...when i am being spontaneous and playful and utterly relaxed in body.mind.spirit?....
aaahh the mind is so busy trying to find the solution!...yet somehow i suspect that i will find peace only by slipping beneath the level of the mind...into peaceful oceanic ever present depths.....

yoga, flow, love, inspiration!

2010-05-20T05:15:00.000-07:00

Cass Phelps: Yoga Flow of Love : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M6-DopqEdM
when you come from a place of flow, where you are really connected with gravity, with space, and you are choosing the connection of that flow to be love, from there, there is an intelligence that starts to guide your movement, how it is that you appraoch the world, how it is that you can allow yourself to move from a place of love. If you notice....flow has it's own time....
Notice the fluidity and the flow, the ease. This is a whole different kind of strength, different kind of movement. See how the core is flowing...
Giving permission to move in ways that are structured and yet have different variations within them....there is organismic coherency....continuous flow...a fluid, continuous experience of awareness.
This opens the mind, which opens the body. The body is a reflection of the mind's awareness.

Practising...

2010-05-20T04:44:00.000-07:00

what am i practising for? I am practising for now! As i practise, i consciously rearrange my responses, reprogram my neural networks....i practise and create myself afresh and new in the process.
I practise listening, so that it becomes habitual....so that i might remain more connected to the voice of my heart in every new now moment....
Practising creates opening within the structure of the body, which creates space, and as i let go of tension and toxicity, whether it's emotional, mental, physical...s p a c e happens, and into this space new energy flows, and there is movement, freedom, breath....

Practise comes in many different forms.

Some movement practices are structured. Sometimes i need to follow a form, just to get myself moving and breathing. And there is a certain discipline cultivated when i follow a form. It's one way of becoming more present in the moment. My maintenance practices are Sun Salutations and the Wu Ji form (Chi Gung). If i am uninspired, this is where i start! Perhaps it appeals to the artistic side of my nature, practising a form to embody it, flow with it, make it into something graceful, harmonious and beautiful?

I also love to play around with movement in a non-goal oriented way. How does life move in nature? Organic life expresses itself with circular, spiralling, serpentine, undulating, fluid motion. Real presence and attention is required to let the mind drop deep into the body and breath, to embody the natural fluidity and connectivity of the body. So much to explore, i feel like i am only just skimming the surface...

Surrender

2010-05-20T04:11:00.000-07:00

I found this on the internet and it resonated deeply! I wrote it down in my journal earlier this year, but unfortunately i didn't write the source down with it:

Surrender
The opposite of giving up
Freeing myself from the desire to be in control.
Letting go of how i think things should be.
Surrender is freedom.
Release myself from the bondage of preconceived action.
Let everything be alright just as it is.
Live a more inspired life in the moment!

Liver Flush #2

2008-10-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Not quite so many stones this time, and also not so big. The last ones really were quite magnificent!!!! Once again, i chose to do the flush just after the full moon....although i have heard that dark moon is a good time too.

i felt quite ill during the flush. The oil/grapefruit mixture did not go down smoothly AT ALL....and it was repeating on me all night. Much of the night was spent lying awake feeling very nauseous. The following day i felt very sorry for myself. Low energy, low mood, drifting in a sea of sadness.

Fortunately it all passed quickly and i bounced out of bed the following morning feeling chirpy and alive.

Detox is such a quirky process. Change happens so quickly. I am learning not to become attached to anything that comes up. Just to be with and let it go when it is ready.

the stones.....

2008-10-07T03:39:00.000-07:00

So here they are! I have to admit, i was quite impressed by what came out. I think they are even quite beautiful, in a way ;)

I forgot to put a coin in with them so you can see how big they are. When they first came out they were bright green! They kept coming out in little batches all day, and the last ones came the following morning. Some were big, round and green, while others were smaller, lighter in colour, more gravelly.

I had quite a bit of tenderness in my colon on the right side after the flush, but this only lasted a day or so. My energy & digestion felt better afterwards. But you have to do a series of at least 6 flushes before you get ALL the stones out!! I already feel the need to do another one. In fact, i am on day 4 of drinking apple juice, but will have to stretch out the apple juice drinking phase because my period started last night, and i don't want to put my body into cleansing overdrive. This cycle feels pretty intense as it is....i am releasing quite deeply, or preparing to.

Liver cleansing works on a deep level. I've had all sorts of strange feelings surface. Especially in the mornings, this 'feeling cloud' sits of my chest....i don't know where it comes from but it's old, maybe even ancient. I've been trying to have a dialogue with it, sometimes just watching silently, breathing, observing, not judging (trying not to anyway). It's hard to love it.

All this repressed 'stuff' getting ready to be released.....i'm so happy it's here now for me to deal with, it's good timing, i want to deal with it. I'm making some time and space for it, set the intention to 'let it all out' and move on. I have a treatment with the wonderful Maggie tomorrow, which i am looking forward to hugely. The last cranio-sacral treatment with her was a very interesting healing journey, and i wonder what will come up tomorrow?

today is the day!

2008-09-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

this is not going to be a long post as i'm supposed to drinking my next lot of epsom salts in approximately 10 minutes.
I am very excited! Linus did his flush on Saturday and the stones were impressive! He kept a sample, which i will photograph and post soon.
Watch this space.......

life thinks

2008-09-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

Space is happening. Even though i've not been making the most drastic steps to cleanse...tis happening nonetheless. This is a time of the year when the body cleanses anyway, so even small adjustments in diet/lifestyle will make an impact. Like juicing in the mornings, blended veggie soups for dinner...
tho I must confess i've indulged in (raw) cake recently....twas delicious and satisfied my premenstrual cravings. I have the kombucha but am reluctant to crack it open. Not sure why. Maybe i feel that i'm following andreas moritz's protocol so should just stick with it....
Woke up yesterday with an urge to write poetry. Been thinking about life's big questions. Am i in the right place, doing the right thing, how am i really feeling about the way things are going?? Shift happens.....and i'm ready to embrace it.....
it's a strange feeling of limbo. I know change is coming but i can't yet fathom what form it will take. I'm in a place of surrender. Watching all the signs but not reacting. Just watching. Synchronicities everywhere....life lays itself out in the most beautiful choreography of people, colours, events and sacred moments.
x

Timing the cleanse......Full Moon & Equinox

2008-09-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

i was so excited about doing the Liver Flush that i had originally intended to do it tomorrow (tuesday), or Wednesday. But it's Full Moon next Monday, and Autumn Equinox next week too, so the ideal time would be early next week. Sigh. I'll just have to be patient, and extend the pre-cleanse for the rest of this week.
Warren from Manna recommends Kombucha as an alternative to apple juice for softening the stones, so once i've juiced all the apples here, i think i'll try the Kombucha alternative....just for fun, as an experiment......& if we're going to be away at the Out of The Ordinary Festival this weekend it'll be healthier to drink bottles of live Kombucha than turn to pasteurised apple juice, which is apparently acceptable, according to Andreas Moritz, although it seems a step backwards for me! ( & i'm almost certain i won't be able to find fresh apple juice at the festival).
So for the last couple of days my insides have turned to a river as my digestive tract is being oxygenated and flushed by the Colosan. I'm not entirely sure that i like the constant diarrhea part, but i am feeling lighter and calmer. Stiller.
My day looked a bit like this:
am water on rising, then 1t Colosan in a pint of ionised water followed by juice of 1/2 lemon
apple & dandelion juice until lunchtime (just over a litre?)
2pm 4 ripe figs
4pm 2 ripe figs
5pm punnet of grapes
7pm nibble of ginger cookie
8pm blended carrot/tomato/beetroot/spinach with sea spaghetti

that's more than i've eaten for a few days....but light enough for pre-cleanse preparation.
G'nite x

Liver Loving!

2008-09-07T14:54:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling drawn to cleansing my liver recently....let's just say that my liver has been 'speaking' to me! During a recent cranio-sacral session i listened to my liver, saw it's 'sluggishness' (represented by the image of a slug!), saw it's need for simpler, deeper nourishment (Almond milk and spirulina came up specifically) and rest, REST.....rest...
I was actually blown away by the depth of healing during that session. I went back to my childhood and found parts of myself that have remained dormant, hidden away for so long. I cried a lot....
Anyhow, back to liver cleansing. I've never actually done a full on, proper liver cleanse. I've done plenty of fasting, feasting, juicing, wild greens, parasite zapping.....and yet i have recurrent shoulder/upper back pain, and digestive sensitivity......suggesting that my liver could do with a little attention too!
I am following the protocol as laid out by Andrea Moritz in The Amazing Liver and Gallbladder cleanse (also influenced by Suki's Liver Cleanse protocol). Not sure exactly when we started, but there's been a general move towards liver cleansing in our house since the tree in the garden is laden with apples, and Wild Dandelion greens have been making an appearance in our daily juices. I harvested a bumper crop of dandelion roots which i have since dried and will use for making tea.
Since wednesday (4-5 days ago) i've been eating much lighter, nothing in the morning but maybe juice, 1 solid meal if any at lunchtime (flax crackers & Salad & a little raw hummus or avocado), and blended salad or raw soup (warmed up) in the evening. I'm supposed to be drinking a litre of apple juice a day. Not quite sure if i'm making that, but also having Apple Cider Vinegar in warm water with a little honey....and Oil Pulling daily too.....and just started taking Colosan 2x daily yesterday.

So here begins the Liver Loving Adventures of Shell, Sue and Linus. I will keep you updated on how we are doing, and will post more information about the finer details of Liver Cleansing. Stay tuned!

Symbols of Love

2008-08-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

From Funky Raw Space of Love Festival 2008:

more festival pics @ www.therawkitchen.blogspot.com

Buddhafield 2008: Dance of the Elements :)

2008-07-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

Buddhafield Bottoms, i couldn't resist!

2008-06-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Finding my feet

Where do i begin?

I've been struggling a little lately. Feeling like life is a bit like a long walk up a loooooong hill, and i would really like to just stop walking for a while, lay down on the grass and gaze up at the clouds, or even jump on the back of a spirited pony and go for a canter through a meadow....

My energy has not been as high as i have gotten used to, and i miss it. I have been lost in the world of doing. Yes, i am becoming a human doing.....and forgetting about the wonder of human being. I did have a precious week in Italy in May to remember........
The flower pic i posted last time was taken in Italy. We spent one blissful week eating simply, mostly fruit, bug infested romaine, olives.......& fruit from trees, delightful nespoles sweet nectar dripping off golden centres......oh, just being in nature, unravelling, awakening our senses.....the first holiday i have taken without jem for 6 years!! How wonderful to live so simply, in the moment, finding joy even whilst stranded or delayed (who wouldn't be joyful with a fat juicy melon to get down with?)....oh how we loved Italian public transport! We savoured every moment!

Whilst basking in the utter deliciousness of freedom and nature in Southern Italy for a week, i (re)discovered a few of things about myself:

1. I am an adventurous and free-spirited soul! Oh yeah :) I love to travel, to throw myself into the unknown, it totally brings me alive.

2. I read the whole of Book 4 in the Anastasia series and remembered my dream...finding 'home'land, growing food, living in close and intimate harmony with nature/family/community...

3. It doesn't take much to make me happy. Actually, the less, the better. The simple pleasures are where it's at!

It was a little challenging re-integrating to life back at home, especially with the big house move which was a huge shift on so many levels, involving much cleaning and clearing on many levels (it's ENDLESS!!)...The house move is complete now, the dust is settling, and life seems like less of a struggle.

In fact, it's glorious!

We've been sleeping in the garden for 1 moon now, and have been putting lots of energy into clearing space for growing veggies/berries. Jem is blossoming. He's learning to ride a bike and discovering his inner poet (thank-you Roald Dahl!).

I'm excited to see where this journey takes us!

2008-05-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

processes, processes, transformation....

2008-04-23T04:36:00.000-07:00

i am getting ready to move. sifting through old stuff. journals.

reading through my journals, i become aware of my own transformation. How i am unravelling, peeling away layers. I'm blown away, grateful for the process. I send love to me as i was back then....

it's not been easy. The last few weeks have been intensely challenging. Full moon in scorpio was a blast! I spent the day in the dark womb-space of the White Owl sweat lodge in blissful agony....sweating so hard, chanting over and over in my head 'thankyou thankyou thankyou i love you i love you thankyou so much for the intensity of this experience, thankyou for the growth that this experience is facilitating'

it kept the whole day light, with gratitude and love i can overcome all obstacles.

The sun was shining and it was so good to lie exhausted and naked on the the grassy earth. The birds sang all day. Sweet sweet songs.

During the prayer round, i melted, all my prayers were already voiced before it was my turn, so i was left only with simple words of love and thanks. It's as simple as that! We are all one, i laugh when i hear 'my' thoughts come from someone elses heart and lips. They are not 'my' thoughts! And this is not 'my' journey. It's our journey.

I'm in the middle of some major relationship issues/ breakthroughs right now. I don't talk about my relationships here, but this is worth sharing. Some excerpts from my journal last summer:

'Oh, it's getting tough, whenever we confront each other, i just can't be sensible about anything. All the old patterns and reactions surface. It's horrible. I just want to hurt him, i want him to sacrifice as much for us as i have done.......it's a vicious circle. we're trapped, going round and round. stuck. trying to change it, but we're stuck. stuck, stuck, stuck. We have got to stop trying to change it. This is how it is. The answer, the healing, comes from another space........i'm still fasting today, funny how all this is coming up to be looked at while i am fasting.........i want to wake up. wake up to myself. uncover the truth. peel away the layers of dross. with positive intention. Jeez, what to do? Keep being positive. Be committed to growth. I just want to be whole again. this is all part of my journey to wholeness. It is all valuable blah blah. really, i just want to live in peace. i should stop giving r such a hard time. he is just being r. & i am being a bitch. we've been here before. i'm not comfortable about being here again. But i am sticking with it this time. be gentle, be gentle, be with it, stay wake, stay focussed, all is ok, all is ok. the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day. it's a beautiful time to be alive. It's just waiting for me. waiting quietly. waiting to be allowed. go and have a fabulous day.....'

so after 11 years of growing together (& apart), creating a child, trying to make it work, resigning ourselves to the fact that we cannot meet each other in the way we each need to be met.....we seem to finally be closer to finding peace with each other. We are allowing ourselves to receive what we really need. And now, with all the layers of sh*t peeling away, love is beginning to sparkle again, and communication! So i'm moving out next week, flying to a new nest, building a new life, and r is free and happy. We're both in love. With new partners, and finding a way to respect and love each other. It's challenging! This is my 'bayeux tapestry' (wink to Suki!)

journal entry: Aug 04 2007

i spent six days drinking fluids only and breathing

living on liquid and air

dreaming of sea and sky

I had this dream. I was on a beach. The waves were huge. It looked dangerous. Then i saw women and children coming out.

They had been enjoying playing in the waves, enjoying being dragged under and pummelled by the waves.

So i jumped in too. I saw down, down, it was deep, dark, soft blue surrounding me.

I had a momentary thought about breathing, then i relaxed because i knew i was not going to run out of breath.

I was aware of a dolphin- the shape of a dolphin elegantly swimming past.

There was so much space. Just the dolphin and i, and the deep blue space of the sea.

Journal entries: High Summer, 2007

Went to town yesterday, it was tough. Still fasting, feeling stretched. J dragging his feet and whining. Hot, hot. Too many people. My attention was caught by the birds. The pigeons and the seagulls. Feathered friends, free in flight. Me, feet planted on the ground, or should i say concrete, surrounded by towers of glass and metal.

Dreaming of flight...

WORDS

words dance before me in the early morning

like dust motes in a sunbeam

or musical notes from a half forgotten dream

they fall out of space

into this place

between worlds

dreams that dance themselves alive!

the ones that survive

catch the attention of the intuitive eye

the I creating

co-creating beauty, simply

choosing elements in order of relevance

channeling elegance

as natural as the sparkling patterns

of the sun through rustling leaves

or a myriad ancient sea shells

washed up on pristine shore

Dec 2007

Life is a meditation. Can i just be with whatever comes up? Can i breathe through it? not grasp at it? Watch it and not be attached to it? Engage but not react? Intelligently interact? we'll see.

I'm kinda grateful for this heavy darkness i am churning through. It's making me look at things afresh. It's a wake-up call. WAKE UP! my depression scream to me. WAKE UP this is not how things are meant to be. OPEN YOUR EYES, you can do better than this. Paradoxically, i'm doing my best already, but it's not good enough.

What does that mean, GOOD ENOUGH? Is it really good enough, the situation on this planet...the living conditions of the majority of her inhabitants. Is it good enough? No, it's bloody not good enough. And yet, there is nothing i can do for all the masses out there when i am not even doing good enough in my own little patch. Because i have such high expectations for my own life, i forget that already my standard of living exceeds the majority. Is that selfish? I just want to help, but can't help feeling totally helpless......'

So here i am, packing up again, off on a new adventure! Gathering all the words, images, possessions that i call mine.......that are not really mine at all. 'I' am just a channel. Maybe sharing my words and my inner processes will help me to become less attached to the dramas i manifest?

my wish is that all beings realise they are free already! walking, flying, swimming, being in beauty as one.....

shift

2008-04-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

By nature, i'm a private, quiet person. So i wonder sometimes why i decided to start a blog? My reasons for blogging seem to change....mostly, i come here to reach out and fill my need for human connection....sometimes, i just need space to let my voice out...express and create....still, i seem to be quite good at avoiding talking about anything very personal.....perhaps that's why i haven't blogged much recently, my head has been less in the clouds (of cyberspace), and my experience of this life has been much more integrated and connected on a physical level. Of course it is all connected anyway.....but as we iniate changes on a cellular level, so we iniate shifts on all other levels...it's the inevitable domino effect!
Since the cleansing/JF equinox journey, everything is the same...but different....it's subtle but profound. I'm so grateful and happy to have made it through the shift! And yet this feels like only the tip of the iceberg. This is only where it all begins!
And maybe it will always feel like this? I really get it. It's all about the process, not the destination. If i am happy and grounded in my process, that's all that matters. I am happy to potter around, wash the dishes, slip into quiet moments of nothing at all.....
I'm also very happy to be booking a flight to Italy in a few moments for a well deserved holiday amongst the olive groves :)

Hum, so Suki has tagged me and i'm s'posed to reveal 5 things about myself you do not know....can i cheat a little and just tell you one thing for now? (it's late & i have a flight to book!)

1. My great great great grandfather (not sure how many greats go in there!) is Samuel Hahnemann, founder of Homoeopathy. It's my only claim to fame. Oh, i did meet John Hurt at a party in Kenya when i was about 8.....i remember it vividly,....he told a story about a girl with one eye, i don't remember the details of the story, but i do remember being totally captivated in a way that i had never experienced before. Does that count for 2 things? wink ;)

raw festival: request

2008-04-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems i underestimate myself sometimes.
There is nothing like a little bit of turmoil to wake me up and get me to really see and feel what is going on.
So everything is changing really quickly, i am super emotional, but i love it!
And life is flowing, exciting, deep and groovy.

I have a request: Are there any lovely rawies out there who would like to come and help out at the Raw Cafe at this years Raw Festival (it doesn't have a name yet, but it was formerly the Funky Raw Festival), Aug 15-18? Drop me a line: shell(at)therawkitchen.co.uk I am so excited, we are going to create the most loved up festival food ever!

Big Love xx

upside down

2008-04-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning from a crazy dream in a cold sweat, gripped with something that felt like heartache, but that's not the right word. So i lay with it, traced This Feeling back in my life to see where it had come from.
Nurturing my wounded inner child has been easy peasy compared with this. The jealous, angry child in me is up now, and i fear i do not have the parenting skills to navigate this new territory.....
I find it quite amusing that i had been floating happily along on a cloud for a while, and as soon as i dare to say This is How It Is, a thunderbolt comes and turns everything upside down.
So what is the best way to parent the child who screams I WANT I WANT! at you, the one that doesn't listen to reason? The little Ego that doesn't know better?
Truthfully, I don't know.....but i guess i'm about to go on a bit of a learning journey with this. Note to self: stay calm, stay present, observe emotions with detachment, be loving and compassionate. good luck!

quiet

2008-04-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

i'm not going to ramble on with excuses....i have concocted a thousand blog posts in my head and they are all floating about...somewhere in the ether.. ..truth is, my energy has been focused elsewhere, and sitting in front of the computer is like, so blah!

But i feel like i was documenting some fairly profound moments in my healing journey and to leave you all hanging on the end of a thread is no fair!

However, i'm not going to go into it now....

i'm such a tease!

i have some experimenting to do in the kitchen before the cake making class i am taking tomorrow, and sitting in front of the computer is, well...you guessed it...blah!

i haven't even downloaded my pics for over a month! I'm hoping to be back blogging more regularly very soon. Ru is on his way back from India as we speak after 3 long months away...so i will be getting more time and space to focus on me me me! yay!

Since i last blogged life has been extraordinarily sweet. And ordinarily sweet, too. Simply sweet.

Quiet moments

floating

relaxed

here

love

life...

2008-03-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

...is crazy beautiful at the moment.

i am loving my green juice again and getting creative with green soup too!

after the intial excitement of reconnecting with solids (and overdoing a little) i am learning that i really don't need to eat too much solid food, and channelling my 'foodie energy' into compiling recipes and teaching people about raw food prep/ transitioning.

The universe has blessed us with a free trip to Scotland next week to do just that.....we'll be staying at a beautiful farm surrounded by nature...there's a river there too....

so much good stuff happening....ecovillage community meeting this sunday at ours....lots of new people and energy gathering around this....are you interested? email me and i can invite you onto the ning network that was set up to keep us all in the loop.

love love love love love!

hungry again!

2008-03-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

what a trip the last 3 weeks have been. I've been on an rollercoaster of ups, downs and turn arounds!
i had a huge shift (surge!) of energy during the day yesterday, and made a last minute decision in the evening to go to Twinkels party....very glad i did! Jem was taken home early by a friend and i ended up staying until about 4. I really needed to have a good dance, shake and move my body, i felt so free, light and energised........naturally high (possibly helped by the chocolate hemp milk i took with me ;).....a clean, light, sparkley high!
today i've been mostly sleepy (only slept 3 hrs or so), had a few alert hours this afternoon...but mostly sleepy...in a dreamy kind of way...
anyhoo, it seems my body is finally asking for solid food again. I have loads of greens in the fridge which i want to eat...so it may well be a spinach/pear smoothie for breakfast. I am sooo looking forward to it! I had no idea how long my body was going to continue not being hungry for....i have to admit that i am welcoming the familiar sensation of hunger that has returned....feels a bit like returning home after a long journey in foreign lands.
I am planning to have one juice day a week still, and will most likely be incorporating a lot more liquid meals into my days than i did pre-feast...
lovely luscious light liquids
mmmm mmmm

be well
love&light
shell
x

there are no rules.....

2008-03-08T03:14:00.001-08:00

i am clearly not juice feasting any more.....at least, not following the program as laid out at juicefeasting.com.

Juice Feasting has been a really interesting process thus far. Through following the guidelines initially, i reconnected with the inherent wisdom of my cells, and am reminded once again that there are no rules.

We are all different, every-single-body is unique, living different lifestyles in different climates. To apply one protocol to people living globally doesn't make much sense to me. Am i the only one thinking this? Maybe there is something i am missing.....

I am still on liquids only, but including more milks and teas. Ginger juice is going into all drinks, can't seem to get enough of it! My body is not very happy about juices, which surprises and confounds me, since for over 3 years i have made green juices an almost daily habit! I had 2.5 pints yesterday: cucumber/pear/lettuce (sweet and mild) and carrot/red pepper/apple/courgette/purple sprouting broccoli leaves. I was fine until the second juice, which tipped my digestive system into discomfort- gas & cramping.

I am closer to using all local, seasonal produce now than i have ever been before. Fruit is out, except for pears and apples. Some cabbages came in the veg delivery (despite having stated i did not want cabbage, after being put off cabbages in juice once more after the stinky juice incident!). So i set to making a batch of sauerkraut yesterday with cabbage/beetroot/carrot/dulse. The exceptions are the superfoods and supplements i am consuming....ultimately, i may experiment with dropping some of these, too. I know that when i am living somewhere with plenty of sunshine, fresh air, swimming in the sea, fresh fruit....that superfoods seem like the most ridiculous thing! So they are just helping me at present to have a radiant existence in this climate.....

Nobody knows my body better than i do, and my body is also in a constant state of change, so through the process of experimentation my body and i are becoming re-acquainted. It's quite sweet, like old friends who have not seen each other for years, at first not quite sure how to act in each others presence, then gradually becoming re-attuned to each others energy to the point where the boundaries blur and energy flows unimpeded, united as one.

I have always been a bit of an outsider. I can melt into a group dynamic and find it just as easy to detach. I don't like to be told what to do. I gave my parents quite a headache as a child! And so it is.....i don't like to be told what to do because deep down i always knew that all the answers are contained within. There is information out there with which i resonate with, or not, depending on where i am at. But that information inevitably begins to take on a life of it's own when absorbed into the unique essence of my being. So i choose from the smorgasbord of external reality what i wish to take in, and it awakens within me more of the truth of who i am....if i am able to listen to that and not get lost in identifying with the outer form which is but a reflection, a fleeting reflection of one tiny part of who i am.

Deeper and deeper, go the layers of this existence. The beauty is, there is no end and no beginning. There are no absolute truths. I am free. I am so grateful to be free to speak my truth in this moment, and know that i am free to change, that truth is not static, it flows, it grows...

unravelling

2008-03-07T02:31:00.000-08:00

what started as a juice feast is turning into something else entirely....i have been using the computer minmally so no blogs, i will try to piece together the last week from memory and journal entries...

day 16: morning: tired. don't want juice. time for rest. day of rest today. following my body, enjoying my bed. Still not hungry. tummy more comfortable. Juice stirring things up too much to the point of uncomfortableness (think balloon).
afternoon: go to the farmers market with jem. Pick up lots of yummy veg, including burdock root. take jem to the playground on the seafront, the wind is icy, jagged, penetrates cruelly. I feel vulnerable, like i have no protection and count the minutes til we can leave. jem is having so much fun, but an hour is all i can manage.
yesterday was a challenging day. stepped out of my comfortable zone of home and travelled to london for college. It was a 'bad juice' day....not quite what i wanted...cabbage/garlic/beetroot a little overpowering even though only in the juice in small quantities. it spilled all over my bag & books before i even got on the train so i was carrying a nasty stink around all day...and nothing tasty to drink! it was a day of surrender. Nothing felt quite right all day, but i had to stay with it. I chose not to run away, kept facing the world, feeling uncomfortable but staying with it. made it through the day, exhausted. Bought a litre of M&S oj for the train journey home....made me feel a little sicky and headachey.......
Over the weekend i was tired, cold and vulnerable a lot. Lost my appetite for juice.
day 17: my back is twingy today. spent the day hanging out talking raw chocolate at the natural trade fair. On my feet all day. Had fun talking to people, walking around getting free samples and munching on fresh bee pollen (bought 3 tubs! yum). Had 2-3 litres of juice today.
day 18: My body is not a comfortable place to be at the moment. Back is twingy, energy all over the place. What is going on? Green juices are losing their appeal. Haven't had a straight green juice in ages. Maybe today will be a water day?
Went for acupuncture....lots of moxa on my back...it's tight in there! as i lie on the table i feel a warmth in my belly. i am amazed. so relieved to feel the fire come back to my belly. I burst into tears in the car on the way home. completely uncontrollable sobbing. something is shifting. Veggie broth with miso for lunch. really need warming up!
(I think i had 1+litres green juice in the evening- took a fair amount of concentration to get it down!)
Feeling really good and happy and clear in the evening after a fantastic enema. But physically still in pain (twinging back).
day 19: No feeling for juice this morning. Usual glass of pee first thing, followed by glass of hemp milk with bee pollen, flax oil, crystal manna, msm, ginger juice for breakfast today. went to work and felt lightheaded, spacey. juiced some oranges which i drank too fast! Ginger /lemon /honey tea, coconut oil , manuka honey & bee pollen are what i reach for when i get home. Veggie juice in the evening- carrot/jerusalem artichoke/pear/beetroot/celery/apple......a nice sweetie one to see if i can get back into the juicy swing.....followed by some green juice with kale & lots of cayenne....i'm not getting my 2lbs of greens!
day 20: woke up feeling terrible. i have suddenly dropped lots of weight, feel weak, circles under my eyes. last night i was fantasizing about steamed squash pureed with coconut butter, sprinkled with seaweed granules. Is it time to wrap this up? i make a hemp milk with vanilla, honey, chocolate and maca to cheer myself up. no impulsive decisions, but gently listening to my body. i make a batch of linseed tea, and put myself to bed after the school run. Aah bliss, rest and sleep are what i need, what i have been needing for the past few days, it is tiring being on my own with jem.
the linseed tea, rest and a flax oil enema do me the world of good. i feel transformed and renewed.
more linseed tea in the evening and that's it.
early bed.
feeling much warmer and more relaxed now.
today, day 21: many mornings on this feast/fast i have woken up with the birds. I love that. although i am awake, i am cocooned still in the sleepy, cosy warmth of half remembered dreams. i want to luxuriate in the timelessness of mornings like this. i watch the light brighten on the tree outside my window. jem wakes up and joins me for our usual morning cuddle.
my mood is so much lighter today. i am not bursting with energy, but i am relieved that my back is better, and i do not feel so thin today....
lara is making green juice this morning and it is so unappealing! I make the best tea ever....pau d'arco, cat's claw, cinnamon, cardamon, dandelion root, rooibos, ginger juice and a squeeze of lemon. It makes me feel so warm, happy and energised! I'm so relaxed as i drink i do not want to rush, have no care about jem being late for school and even let him watch an extra programme on kids tv. We are still in time for school!
Come home and turn on the computer. Check in to globaljuicefeast.com and watch some clips on jasmuheen. that's what i'm still doing now, in between writing this blog and doing some stretches.
I am humbled.
so grateful to be having this deep and loving connection with my body, taking care of myself and listening carefully to what i need.
i am in a place of really trusting my body. I feel really hydrated, juicy, tummy working beautifully, colon emptying at colon time (7am).......i cannot say how this story will continue to unravel. My mind has some ideas, but i hesitate to expand. One thing i am learning, is to let go of the need to control, to listen more, to be an empty vessel, here in service.
And i am thinking about where energy comes from? ........really really enjoying and soaking up jasmuheen on youtube....

Day 14- Green Juice Magic

2008-02-29T01:38:00.000-08:00

Green Juice is Magic.
I feel more nourished and full now than i have done in years.
Went to a raw potluck last night and didn't feel i was missing out at all, sipping on my bottle of green nectar i felt like the luckiest person there. i love the ritual of curling up with my green bottle. It nurtures my inner child/toddler....who incidentally likes to wear her hair in pig-tails....
so yesterday i wore my hair in pig-tails, & jem was not impressed, 'take them out mummy, you look so young.' Oh well....
I am now letting my hunger cues tell me when to have more juice. I think 4 litres is too much for me on a daily basis. So the routine is becoming more free flowing.....
Contrast showers work best the greater the contrast between hot and cold. We have two showers in the house, only one gets really icy, and only today did i brave it for the first time since the feast....that was a wake-up and a half this morning! ZZzzing!
Good Morning to me!

Day 13

2008-02-28T02:29:00.001-08:00

Quick update:
have not been inclined to blog much these past few days. I completely lost the ability or inclination to string sentences together. Was in a bit of a strange space. I found myself facing and worst of all identifying with all my negative thought patterns. Feelings from the past that seem so out of place and uncomfortable in this life i am living now. Dark feelings of shame and paranoia. Not feeling wonderful like most other feasters seem to by this stage of the feast. My period arrived and i endured a day of pain.....very unusual, haven't suffered like that with cramps for years. Then the past couple of days i have eliminated lots of sludge. No wonder i was feeling odd, with all that waiting to make it's exit. I could probably do with a colonic but i'm not brave or rich enough at the moment!

It's a full time occupation juicing and keeping on top of the detox. I am now fully stocked: fridges full to bursting with celery/cukes/coriander/parsley.
The daily routine looks something like this:

first thing: pint of pee/ or MSM lemon water
10am ish 1l celery/100g parsley/orange/grapefruit/hemp oil/cayenne
1ish 2l cucumber/200g coriander/ 200g spinach/ celery/ pear
6ish 1l 100g cabbage/100g parsley/ 100g spinach/ tomato/radish/fennel/garlic/celery/ cucumber/ red pepper
exercise: rebounder/ house cleaning
evening: rooibos tea with milk thistle tincture
evening: urine enema/ skin brush/ contrast shower (i am planning to start getting up earlier and doing all this in the morning)

I am happy to report that i woke up feeling much brighter and lighter this morning. At this point, i feel that i might be in for the 92 days....isn't life funny? Just a few weeks ago i didn't think it would be possible for me! ha!
juicy love to ya :)

words-wordless-a note from india

2008-02-26T03:39:00.000-08:00

cannot string words and sentences together today
so here's a note received yesterday from ru in India :

the more one awakens ...
the less can be said about it!
the subtle levels of consciousness appear to defy logical/rational/scientific syntax (but we always try!) altho rightbrained stuff like poetry/music/movement/art etc can capture the mood!
if we look at existence/spirit as a matrix of light/energy...some forms more dense (rock, tables, chairs, skulls) and some less dense (clouds, gas, chakra emanations) then awakening of consciousness is the attunement to the more subtle levels of light/energy...which cant really be explained because it takes so much energy just to feel or perceive em in the first place....let alone sink down to the muddier/stodgier/basier levels of words and syntax in the attempt of explanation. dwelling exclusively in the mental/celebral to consolidate understanding brings frustration and suffering....as we know - the word aint da fing innit!?

a picture says a thousand words
actions speak louder than words
eating meat from MacDonalds is absurd.

the subtle levels are glimpsed thru action and stillness/silence...like the vague memory of a recuring dream. we know it...feel it...but cant quite explain

two cows are nuzzling each other outside the cafe...there is divine simplicity in their exchange .:'o':.

Juice Feast: The Journey Begins: Notes

2008-02-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

Thought i'd just jot down some notes so far on my juice feast....just completed 9 days...

Preparation: laying the juicy foundations: (i didn't realise i was 'preparing' to juice feast at the time...maybe on a subconscious level i was...it's all flowed together rather nicely tho):
In the past month, i've had at least one juice only day a week, 3 days in the first week. Every day i have had at least 1 green juice in place of a meal.
Regular enemas and castor oil packing.
2 acupuncture treatments.

In the last month i've had an incredible amount of energy...lots of cleaning energy, getting things cleared and sorted, organising, planning, dreaming...buzzing around lots, very busy!
Then i started to cleanse more deeply. My body wasn't dealing well with much solid food. I was preferring to juice more, keep things lighter. Last week i started to feel unwell, sore lungs, itchy skin, energy up and down. I just started to use a Terminator Zapper too, which might have had something to do with this.
Saturday 16th~ decided to begin juice feast to take the cleansing/ healing journey to the next level. Felt that i needed to slow down and allow my body to process what was coming up.

Week 1: Flu symptoms- hot and cold, deep internal bone cold. Running nose. Coughing mucus. Tenderness around my ears and jaws. Blocked ear that kept unblocking and clearing very satisfactorily! Itchy skin. Tired. Despite these symptoms i was in fine spirits.
I spent the week with family in Cornwall, so i was able to have a complete rest. I did however, spend a lot of time cooking for and feeding my family. I really enjoyed spending time in the kitchen making salads, soups and stews for them (i drank some of the cooking liquor) and juices for me. I love to feed people :)
Towards the end of the week i was feeling much better. Just steady. Still tired.
Have been castor oil packing my liver every other night and doing daily enemas, skin brushing & hot/cold showers.

It feels like tension held deep within my being is beginning to find a way to move and make it's journey out towards the surface. As these tensions arise, i feel stiff and sore in the more external muscles, especially in my 'weak' spots (mostly right sided, shoulders, upper thoracic, jaw, ear).
Stretching feels sooo good. My body is talking to me loud and clear and i'm listening!

Have been getting 3-4litres of juice every day. Can't be sure exactly how many greens go in, but it's a lot, 600-900g per day, at least 1 head of celery, a couple of cukes, lots of coriander, oranges, grapefruit, apples, tomatoes, peppers, carrots, garlic, courgettes....For the first few days i couldn't figure out how many litres a gallon is....i thought it was 3 litres for a while....could hardly believe it when i found out is is 3.8 LITRES! That is a lot of juice!! I need to find a cheaper way of getting produce because i must be spending about £10 a day on fruit and veggies at the moment! I'll be checking out local farms and wholesalers next week, now that i'm back in Brightown.

Supplements + extras:
1tsp MSM in lemon water in the mornings
Coconut oil (prolly had a bit too much for the first few days, with bee pollen, yummy)
Bee pollen (again, slowing down with this too, finished a 225g jar in a week!)
Flax oil (Hemp oil is recommended but i have a bottle of beautiful fresh local flax oil i would like to finish off).
Small amounts of hemp milk added to some juices (not part of the program, but i figure if hemp oil is allowed then why not hemp milk?)
Small amounts of linseed tea.
Herbal Chai tea Elixir made with Pau D'arco, Cats Claw, Dandelion root, Fo Ti root & spices.
Kelp Powder (1t a day for extra minerals particularly Iodine)
Cayenne Powder (small sprinkles for vit c and potentiation of juices)
Crystal Manna~ I have a small jar left, it is very precious and use it when i want to give myself extra love.
Wheatgrass & Barleygrass~ I don't like drinking wheatgrass but it's good for enemas & chewing on! Barleygrass is ok mixed with orange juice, or veggie juice. Apparently it is a god source of DMSO which is the precursor to MSM...i will do some research and come back to you. I heard this for the first time last weekend.

I do not know how long i will juice for. Maybe 30-40 days. I know myself too well to be rigid about the number of days. But it feels like a very solid decision that i have made at this point. Solid yet flexible. Maybe i will juice for more days, maybe less.

Thankyou everyone out there documenting your juicing journeys so far. You've been incredibly inspiring and there is no way i would be doing this now if it wasn't for all you bright lights showing the way. There is an Ultimate List of Juice Feasting Blogs here!

To anyone who has stumbled across this blog and has not heard of Juice Feasting, check out http://www.juicefeasting.com/ for more info, and http://www.globaljuicefeast.com/ where you can read about the incredible global feasting event that will be starting on the 1st March 2008.

Juice Feasting: Most definitely an idea whose time has come!

quick hello

2008-02-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not really here....travelled to Cornwall monday night to collapse and be mothered. Was feeling really cold-y flu-y.....so now i've definitely stopped, just what i needed!
oh, and i'm juice feasting.
5 days in now.
ok, will go back to not being here for a while.
i'll be back soon.
sending you all love
love
love
x

a few pix

2008-02-17T04:09:00.000-08:00

hello beautiful souls

2008-02-13T14:34:00.000-08:00

thankyou for visiting
this is not intended to be a long blog...just a bit of a ramble in the moment....
i feel extraordinarily calm and centred at the moment. Peaceful and content. Yesterday was another story, i fell off the edge, but climbed back again....and all is well. Am very grateful for my wonderful acupuncturist :)
The house was filled with good vibes today. A plethora of crystals beaming and amplifying clean, radiant energy. Beautiful, inspiring, uplifting friends & a delivery of superfoods (including tree essences and a spagyric remedy...ooh i love novelty!)
I am having a wonderful time with Jem. He amazes me every day with his cuteness, intelligence, compassion and wisdom. Watching him grow and become the shiny little person he is fills my being with a rosy glow. What a blessing. All those difficult times when we have struggled and gone through our 'processes' seem so worthwhile, for times like this, when all is flowing and gentle....
ok, i really am going to go to bed now!
Lots of new projects in the pipeline that i don't want to talk about here just yet. Soon....
Oh, The Raw Kitchen website has been cleaned up a bit, would be so grateful for any feedback.
I love you!
good night & sweet dreams xxx

Undoing

2008-02-09T02:48:00.000-08:00

Thankyou Fleur for inspiring me to write a little about my understanding of Scaravelli Yoga practice.....it has been coming back into my consciousness recently...as you can perhaps see from recent posts.

'Do not kill the instinct of the body for the glory of the pose'

-Vanda Scaravelli, Awakening the Spine

The three principles of Scaravelli yoga are: the ground (or gravity), the breath, and the spine.

Grounding: Consciously 'giving away' the weight of the body to the ground creates a strong connection with the earth, it allows earth energy to be drawn into, and freely circulated around the body. In a sense, legs act like the roots of a tree.

Breathing: Your body *knows* how to breathe. You cannot teach yourself to breathe. Doing exercises confuses the body and nervous system. What stops free breathing are the layers of tension in the body that lock the breath in - start to release the tension and the breath flows. The breath is easy, never forced. Movement follows the natural rhythm of breath.
By increasing our awareness and sensitivity, listening to the body and recognising where tensions are held, we can allow myriad creative possibilities to show themselves.

Spine: If the legs are well grounded and act like the roots of a tree, then from this the spine can grow longer and lighter, supple and free like the branches of a tree.

Movement comes from the core and naturally unfolds outwards. Cultivating an attitude of listening, softening, breathing, and connecting to the natural rhythms of the body, uncovers movement that is intelligent, spontaneous, playful, light and free. It is the song of the body. Exercise (for the sake of exercise) can become repetitive and reinforce habits. Working with awareness we can reveal the essential activity within each of our actions.

Be still. Listen. Listen carefully. Let go of ambition. What is time? Let go of the concept of time, in stillness, taste the infinite.

(p.s. my experience with NSA (Network Spinal Analysis) is that it brings me to a very similar place of integration and awareness of ground, breath and spine as my practice of yoga. )

Free

2008-02-09T02:22:00.001-08:00

a quote from 'making virtue reality: actions + contemplations' by Ruth Thompson:

My soul is as free as a song whose every note climbs a staircase of melody and light, as if released in joy. No mind set binds me. No walls can darken my hope. My thoughts are my own. I am committed to dissolving barriers and honouring choices. I connect with God as an angel would: inwardly supported, stepping beyond limits.

Doing

2008-02-07T04:00:00.000-08:00

These words from Jinjee (www.thegardendiet.com) arrived in my inbox today....on the subject of doing:

Doing is the key! When you are fully engaged in working hard at something you are passionate about, or something that needs doing, or at finding your dreams, or at helping others, - when you have momentum in that a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion - then you keep doing and keep going without regard to your health and ironically you can become healthier through becoming stronger and happier in this sort-of selfless Doing, rather than through obsessing over doing everything perfectly for your

health above all else.

I have been wondering if i am doing too much? I am like a busy bee that never stops, at the moment. A little frog that hops and hops....

With Ru in India, i am full time mama. In a way, i am grateful for having to be so ONNIT. No slacking here! If i stop, i might never get up again.....(well obviously i would but you know what i mean :)

Anyway, despite being ever so busy and not having much 'me' time, there is a part of me that really loves it. Cuz i LOVE what i do. There is room for improvement, tho. Time does *seem* to be speeding up....and i am speeding up too....sometimes tooooo much. Too much rushing gets me all in a fluster. Stress creeps in....Too much thinking feels like a blustery day in my head. And i don't get anywhere!

So, occasionally, i need to STOP. Like the painted sign on the road said as i was thinking about this today...SLOW

Down time is important too. GOtta slow down. Down, down down..the lady sings

YOGA!

when was the last time i actually slowed down enough to get on the mat and breathe there for an hour?????

MEDITATION!

it's no good thinking about meditating for days on end....every time i walk past my altar, in fact, if i never stop there for a moment to let everything settle.

It's all about BALANCE.
Balance lies in the middle of extremes. I seem to be exploring what it means to be in balance by swinging from one extreme to another.

I love it all. All these wonderful different ways of eating a raw and living foods diet. No sugar/ low fat/ green juices/fasting/ feasting/gourmet/superfoods......i am an explorer......it's all good, i'm having fun....i'm listening to my body and learning to trust where i am being led. But still, a tad too much in my head. Well, i am studying and i need to be in my intellect in order to make sense of all the information coming to me and then turn it into coherent pages of written A4.........

Yes, doing is great, when it is coming from a space of pure enjoyment. Somewhere, tho, i am still holding a belief that i have to work hard and struggle in life if i want to be successful. I would like to let my inner child take the lead and show me what she loves to do. Without thinking whether there will be any reward for it. Just for the love of it.
I give myself credit for all that i am right now. I'm only human, i have a lot to learn, and lots of growing to do. Today, i will make a space to sit quietly, tune into my breath, find my centre of gravity, and move from there.

pix::Brighton beach yeasterday....Sun!

Wishing you beautiful days x

Love Light* Learning*

2008-02-06T04:03:00.000-08:00

A few of the yummy books i am grateful to be digesting:

Do it Yourself: A Handbook for Changing our World~ This book found me at Seedy Sunday. I'm so grateful there are people out there writing books like this.

'this book is dedicated to people everywhere who are changing their worlds, and creating everyday revolutions by doing it themselves- loving, laughing, living, through solidarity, resistance and defiance, for a more just and ecologically sound world'

Towards an Ecology of the Self by Graham Burnett http://www.spiralseed.co.uk/

This little booklet is easy to digest and very practical. The mind maps are great...i am starting to use mind maps to help me not get lost in details, + to maintain awareness of the bigger picture. Plus they are fun to make, especially if you have lots of coloured pens/paint.

An excerpt:

"you start with your nose, then your hands, your back door, your doorstep. You get all that right, then everything is right. If all that's right, then everything is right. If all that's wrong, nothing can ever be right"

~Bill Mollison

The interconnected permaculture ethics of earthcare and peoplecare imply that wholeness and earth repair is not just about the wider 'out ther' of our gardens, farms, forests and oceans, but is just as importantly to do with the 'ecology of the self.' Paying attention to our own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs and development is fundamental to good 'Zone Zero Zero' design. Just as peace is not simply the absence of war, so too health is not just about being free from disease. Therefore self-care- setting up holistic mind and body systems in order to avoid sickness, depression, stress and burn-out- is a vital part of enhancing well-being and developing personal effectiveness.

Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians: This is no ordinary book. It feels like a living being. I ask questions, and it answers them. I came across this book 10 years ago and it made no sense at all. Now, i can't put it down! It found me at the right time!

The New Energy Body by Natalia Rose contains information about DNA activation in line with the teachings from Bringers of the Dawn.

an excerpt:

What is The New Energy Body?
I call the state of being that we embody when we awaken the dormant DNA in our cells
and raise the “light –quotient” of our sub-atomics “The New Energy Body.” It literally
draws a line in the sand between what we once perceived as our energy source and what
we will now perceive as our energy source. We are at a crossroads – the opportunity to
take the path of awakening the new energy body and leaving the old energy body – an
outdated way of seeing, being and connecting behind. The old energy body is a body
seeped in density, burdened by existence, relationships, fears and premature aging. The
New Energy Body is a body that has been “enlightened” literally and figuratively.

I have an ebook copy that i purchased at http://www.therawfooddetoxdiet.com/

And this is (part of) my precious Lemurian Seed Crystal. It is a holder of light. Can you see the rainbow of light reflected in it? Light=Information.....

During the last days of Lemuria, it was decided to plant seed crystals programmed to transmit a message of oneness. Having seeded the crystals, the Lemurians, it is believed, left this planet for other star systems. Others went into inner earth (while maintaining telepathic connection with those in other parts of the galaxy), where they continue to care for the earth and the seed crystals now surfacing.
The crystals are thus connected to inner earth, the earth's surface, and the stars, and serve as links to these various magnetic fields. On the individual level, each seed crystal is energetically connected to all other seed crystals.
This connection is a living example of the message of the Lemurian seed crystals. They teach us how to be both individuals and integral parts of the cosmic design, that all beings are equal. They also help us how, as physical beings, to maintain our connection with our spiritual source.

info from http://www.rainbowcrystal.com/

pix: a slice of brighton life: Jan 2008

2008-01-31T04:50:00.000-08:00

top: Brighton Pavilion
center: banana vanilla slushy after school

bottom: test driving jonny's new Zipee bike (electric moped)

A few juicy days

2008-01-29T06:23:00.000-08:00

I have been caught up in the wave of juice feasting.....whoosh!
Just a mini one, 3 days or so....

Sunday was day 1: Enema in am. Lots of outdoor time, lots of fresh air, sunshine, and abundant wild greens for juicing! Castor oil pack on liver at night.
Monday, Day 2: 1st day of period (completely unexpected although it has been 28 days...absolutely no physical pains or other sensations that normally accompany my period...weird but nice). Didn't drink enough in the morning at work....felt a bit spacey and tired, then cold in the afternoon. Reflexology & castor oil pack on liver in the evening.
Tuesday, Day 3: enema, skin brush + shower in am. Took a big bottle of juice to work and sipped it all morning. Feeling light, waves of bliss listening to music.....thinking how i'd like to share this feeling with everyone. How can i share this? I don't want it all for myself....
Bouncing on my fitball now with a hot water bottle tucked up my jumper. Cosy.

Amazing how my days seem similar to my juices.....crammed full! Feasting requires a LOT of juice...more than i would normally drink if i was juice fasting. The juices have generally all been green (tho some greener than others) with added peppers, carrot, apple + orange (not much).

Oh, this was a good one, it reminded me of a chinese stir fry:
coriander
carrot
yellow pepper
fennel
green apple
celery
lime
chilli

Being busy + juicing requires organisation + planning!....everything is prepared the night before so it goes straight into the juicer in the morning. And then it happens again in the afternoon + evening. The detox support techniques are AMAZING! Lots of green juice will create a massive push and release of toxins at a cellular level....so the routes of elimination need all the support they can get! Using enemas, castor oil packing, skin brushing, urine therapy (drinking + skin rubbing), massage, aerobic exercise, alongside juicing makes it fun and bearable, rather than turning into a huge healing crisis. 92 days on juices seems like the ultimate adventure, it's great to see so many people going on that journey. Maybe i'll do it one day.....for now, it's fun to watch from the sidelines and get in practice with a mini feast or two! ;)

all my love x

allotment pix: 27.1.08

2008-01-29T06:02:00.000-08:00

Above all else, to thine own self be true....

2008-01-24T02:31:00.000-08:00

So i'm finally putting it out there....The Raw Kitchen. Even though the website has been up a while, i haven't been ready to run with it-yet. Last year saw bits of business (cake commissions + catering) that was fun to do, but didn't really generate much income. Also, Jem was being Home Educated (or should i say 'unschooled'?) which left me little time to focus on my work......
Something has shifted.

Jem is now in school, there is a routine to our lives which has given me space to see more clearly what i need to focus my energy & creativity on. It's not an easy time. I have been up and down a lot this winter. Lack of sunlight is something that i struggle with. I am working hard at keeping things flowing. I take care of my energy by having regular acupuncture sessions and resting when it is needed. I am committed to doing 1 assignment a week until i catch up, & am answering all emails straight away. Exercise is vital. I'm getting outside as much as possible, taking Jem to the park after school, running in the park in the morning, going on outings to the woods....... i gotta get my endorphin fix from somewhere!

So The Raw Kitchen has it's own blog-space now. That's where all the 'Kitchen' happenings will go. And everything else goes here.

This is where i am now. This is my truth now. I can change my mind about anything at any time.
I love that.

Freedom=inconsistency.

I sometimes give myself a hard time for being so changeable + inconsistent. But then i tend to stagnate and give in to inertia rather than keep things moving. (typical of my ayurvedic type, which is Kapha dominant)

I recognise now that it's more important to keep taking small steps towards my dream. Just keep going. Take tiny, baby steps but keep going.

Because i am not living my perfect life right now. Ok, yes it's the perfect life with the perfect challenges for me right now, teaching me just what i need to learn....yeah, yeah, i get it....

But i have in my mind a clear vision of living in nature, so close + in harmony with my environment....

I am in training now. Learning what i need to learn. This is all useful. Being a warrior. Staying strong (yet cultivating softness and humility too). Finding inspiration and support along the way (+ being supportive of others), walking my talk, being my truth, standing in my power, learning, evolving....

let the journey begin (again +again, every moment, every day) !
x